Parenting Pyramid

Countless books have been written about how to discipline children. In essence, parents are concerned with finding out the best way to correct their children’s behavior. Of course, there are many different theories on how best to accomplish this. Some even question whether we should correct children at all. Most parents, however, do find that correction and discipline are necessary. An article by the Arbinger Company, offers the Parenting Pyramid, a model of how our correction of children’s behavior is dependent on other factors in our lives. (Arbinger 1998)

     Picture the top of the pyramid as the parent’s goal of correction of the child’s undesired behavior. This goal of correction is dependent on how well the parent teaches the child. The more effective the teaching, the easier it will be to correct the behavior. If a parent focuses on teaching, discipline becomes less and less necessary because the child will be learning to self-correct. In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints’, “Handbook for Families”, it says, “Within the context of a loving relationship, we can teach correct principles without linking them to our child’s negative behavior. We can teach, for example, the importance of honesty before a child ever thinks of stealing. Then if the child ever does steal, instead of becoming upset, we can discuss with him the principle and what he needs to do to repent.” (Disciplining with Love, 1985)

     Think about a favorite teacher you had in school. Did you like them? Of course you did, that’s why they were your favorite! Because of your affinity for them as a person, you were open to their teaching. In the same way, teaching children will be more effective if they like you. We often don’t think in terms of our children liking us. We’re their parents, they love us! But consider, do you spend time with them, play with them, talk to and listen to them, and treat them with respect? A tough thing to think about is that sometimes we can love someone, but not really like them very much. Bottom line, develop your relationship with your children and your teaching will be more effective.

     Parents are the head of the family. If their relationship is strained, it will spill over to the children. Fighting parents may put the children in the middle or take out frustrations on them. The Arbinger article points out, “a woman happy with her husband is better for her children than a hundred books on child welfare.”, and for fathers, “the most important thing you will ever do for your children is to love their mother.” (Arbinger, p. 5) Thus, the next step going down on the pyramid is the relationship between husband and wife.

     Finally, at the base of the pyramid, the foundation of it all, is your own personal “way of being”. Are you honorable in your actions and intentions? Do you treat others with respect and kindness? As taught in the article, “Whatever my outward show of ‘acceptable’ parental conduct, my children can tell the quality of my heart. They can tell whether I am thinking of them in what I am doing, or whether I am thinking of myself and of my own convenience or reputation”. (Arbinger, p. 6)

     The article suggests that if we are experiencing difficulty at any point in the pyramid, to examine the level below and work on improving it. To follow this line of thinking, if you are having trouble with getting your child to correct their behavior, take a look at how well you are teaching them correct principles. If you feel you are teaching and teaching and it’s falling on deaf ears, think about what your relationship with your child is like. If you feel your relationship with your child is lacking, look at how you are interacting with your spouse. And if your relationship with your spouse is suffering, what does that reveal about your personal way of being? What improvements could you make to your own actions to improve the relationship.

     Ultimately, the message is that correction, or discipline, is not an isolated event or action. It goes deeper and depends on multidimensional factors. “As we are patient, and as we do all we can where we can, we can make a deep and genuine difference in the life of even the most unhappy child.” (Arbinger, p. 8)

References

Disciplining with Love. (1985). Retrieved from https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/1985/09/disciplining-with-love?lang=eng

The Parenting Pyramid. (1998). Retrieved from https://content.byui.edu/file/91e7c911-20c5-4b9f-b8fc-9e4b1b37b6fc/1/Parenting_Pyramid_article.pdf