Emotionally Nurturing Children

Emotion coaching is a technique taught by Dr. John Gottman as a way to emotionally connect with and nurture our children. There are five essential steps of Emotion Coaching

• Notice your child’s emotions
•  Recognize their display of emotion as a teaching and bonding opportunity
•  Listen to them express their feelings, respond with compassion, and validate the emotions
• Help your child label the emotion with words and understand where it is coming from
• Set appropriate limits to behaviors and help them to solve the problem or deal with the situation

By understanding and using emotion coaching, parents can help their children self-regulate their emotions. Children who feel emotionally validated will also be more securely attached and will therefore be more willing to explore and develop interests. They will be more self-confident and relate better to others. Emotion coaching can also help children develop intellectually. Dr. Gottman cites a study that found that when parents engage emotionally with their children, are respectful and compassionate, and give the child choices, the child’s vocabulary increases. He said, “in fact, most of the variation in intelligence is accounted for by the way parents interact with babies emotionally.” (Gottman, 2009)

So how does a parent put Emotion Coaching into practice? I think a first practical step is to be more aware of how you respond when your child shows an emotion. Think about how you might normally respond, or what your knee jerk reaction might be. Is it compassionate and validating? Here are some examples that I came up with of typical reactions to a child’s emotional outburst versus a validating response.

                            Instead of This                                                             Try This                       

I don't know why your crying so much about your friends not inviting you to the movie. They must not really be good friends and you should just forget about them.	I know it hurts to be left out. It's confusing not knowing why they didn't invite you. You go ahead and cry, and then we can talk about it some more if you want.
Get off the swing and come here right now! I've told you ten times that it's time to go home!	I know you're having fun playing in the park, but we need to leave now so we can go home and make dinner. We had a lot of fun today, how about on the way home we decide what your favorite thing was that you can tell dad about.
Stop crying and put your socks and shoes on, were going to be late because you're dawdling!	If you don't like the socks I picked out for you, why don't you run get a pair you like from the sock drawer.
You better stop talking to me like that, I said you can't go out this weekend and that's final!	You obviously had big plans for this weekend. I'm happy to explain to you why I said no, but you need to calm down and listen respectfully.
Stop running through the house and jumping up and down! You're being so noisy I can't hear myself think!	You're really excited about your friend coming over later aren't you? How about if you go outside and do 20 jumping jacks. Then you could come back in and make a list of all the things you want to do during your play date.

An article written by Ellie Lisitsa, a staff writer at the Gottman Institute, outlines some other ways to practice Emotion Coaching with your children.

•           Show respect and understanding when your child exhibits negative emotions. Talk with them and try to understand the source of the emotion.
•           Notice your child’s response to your method of working through the problem with them.
•           Validate their feelings and show your empathy for them, be patient.
•           Let go of any agendas you may have as a parent for proper behavior or compliance. Show your child that you respect their attempt to work through the problem, and help them to do so.

Some other points to remember:

•           Children often don’t know why they have the emotions they do, asking them “why are you crying?” isn’t going to be helpful. Instead, try observing their behavior and asking simple questions about what they might be feeling. (Lisitsa, 6/18/2012)
•           Children are new to the experience of feeling emotions and don’t know how to label them, this may cause them to think that what they are feeling in not normal. Giving them the tools to name and understand their emotions will help them feel more confidence. (Lisitsa, 6/21/2012)

The final step of Emotion Coaching is helping your child to solve their problem and setting limits on behavior. Dr. Gottman outlines five key steps to problem solving. (Lisitsa, 6/22/2012)

1.   Set limits- Behaviors may not be acceptable, but the feelings and emotions behind them are
2.   Identify goals- Help your child identify what they want
3.   Think of possible solutions- Remember to be age appropriate, a five-year-old can’t come up    with or process multiple or abstract ideas, but a fifteen-year-old may be able to brainstorm       ideas with you
4.    Evaluate proposed solutions based on your family’s values- Talk about how the proposed solutions fit into your family’s belief system
5.    Help your child choose a solution- Agree on a solution together and make a plan to implement it

Dr. Daniel Siegel has made a model of how our brains work with regard to emotions, using his hand as an illustration. I found this illustration to be helpful in understanding how we process emotions so that we can better deal with them. 

References

Lisitsa, E. (June 18, 2012). Emotion Coaching Step 3: Treating a Child’s Feelings with Empathetic Listening and Validation. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/emotion-coaching-step-3-treating-a-childs-feelings-with-empathetic-listening-and-validation/

Lisitsa, E. (June 21, 2012). Emotion Coaching Step 4: Helping Your Child to Find Words For Their Emotions. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/emotion-coaching-step-4-helping-your-child-to-find-words-for-their-emotions/

Lisitsa, E. (June 22, 2012). Emotion Coaching Step 5: Helping the Child Problem Solve and Setting Limits. Retrieved from      https://www.gottman.com/blog/emotion-coaching-step-5-helping-the-child-problem-solve-and-setting-limits/

Gottman, J. (2009). Emotional Health. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=6&v=bmsDTT3xgjo&feature=emb_logo