Destructive Parenting Patterns

Does parenting “just come naturally”? Having children doesn’t include an instruction book, and most people don’t instinctively know how to be an effective parent. Often, our natural tendencies can lead us in the wrong direction. Especially when dealing with the misbehavior, attitude, or general frustration of children. In Dr. Haim Ginott’s book, “Between Parent and Child”, he lists seven common pitfalls that parents fall into. These are patterns parents repeat that are self-defeating. (Ginott, 2003)

1.            Threats- To children, threats are like a challenge, or invitation, to repeat the disparaged act. Children are learning about autonomy and a threat will only make them want to maintain their self-respect by challenging it.  Either way the child responds is a losing situation. If the child gives in to the threat, they have lost a bit of their autonomy and most likely will build resentments toward the parent. If the child challenges the threat and repeats the action, the parent now has to follow through with what was most likely an unnecessary punishment, and again builds resentment in the child.
2.           Bribes- Using bribes takes away the opportunity to teach children about the natural, intrinsic value of completing a job or behaving in appropriate ways. Bribes are only effective in the short term, because they will drive the child to want more and more. They also kill the joy a child may get from an activity, and they will be less likely to ever want to do it on their own. Dr. Ginott elaborates that rewards can be helpful but only when they are, “unannounced in advance, when they come as a surprise, and when they represent recognition and appreciation”. (p. 60)  
3.           Promises- The parent child relationship should be built on trust. When a parent relies on promises, they are communicating to the child that if they haven’t said, “I promise”, then they can’t be trusted. Promises also create unrealistic expectations. A parent might throw out a promise to placate a child, only to have circumstances come along that prevent the promise from being kept. Children don’t understand that sometimes things come up, they only will feel that they have been lied to with an unkept promise. By the same token, children shouldn’t be asked to make unrealistic promises about not repeating certain behaviors, or “never doing it again”. Children will make mistakes, often the same one many times. Asking them to promise not to is only setting them up for failure.
4.           Sarcasm- Sarcasm shuts down the lines of communication and invites argument. It causes the child to feel belittled and builds resentment.
5.           Verbal overkill- What comes to my mind is the phrase, “don’t beat a dead horse”. A lecture is not always called for. To go on an on talking about a situation will only cause the child to shut down and stop listening. 
   
6.           Sermon on lying and stealing- Sometimes parents unwittingly invite a child to lie. Never ask a child if they’ve done something that you already know for sure they did. This only puts them in a position to want to lie for self-preservation. Better to tell the child you know what they did and then discuss the matter. Parents should also allow their children to tell the truth. Dr. Ginott makes an important point about this. “If we want to teach honesty then we must be prepared to listen to bitter truths as well as pleasant truths. If children are to grow up honest, they must not be encouraged to lie about their feelings, be they positive, negative, or ambivalent. It is from our reactions to their expressed feelings that children learn whether or not honesty is the best policy.” (p. 68)    
   
7.           Rude teaching of politeness- Often parents are quick to notice rude behavior in their children and respond by admonishing them in a rude way. A parent’s authority is not diminished by treating children with respect.  My spouse would probably feel offended if I admonished or corrected him in front of others, and my child would be no different. Try to wait for a private moment to teach the behavior. Many parents are also inclined to demand “thank you’s” or “good-byes” before a child has even had the opportunity to say it on their own. I like Dr. Ginott’s analogy, “The niceties of the art of living cannot be conveyed with a sledgehammer.” (p. 73)

Children are people too, and deserve to be treated with respect. Parents can lead and guide with authority while still exercising compassion and empathy toward their children.

References

Ginott, H. G. (2003) Between Parent and Child. New York, NY; Three Rivers Press.