Parenting Pyramid

Countless books have been written about how to discipline children. In essence, parents are concerned with finding out the best way to correct their children’s behavior. Of course, there are many different theories on how best to accomplish this. Some even question whether we should correct children at all. Most parents, however, do find that correction and discipline are necessary. An article by the Arbinger Company, offers the Parenting Pyramid, a model of how our correction of children’s behavior is dependent on other factors in our lives. (Arbinger 1998)

     Picture the top of the pyramid as the parent’s goal of correction of the child’s undesired behavior. This goal of correction is dependent on how well the parent teaches the child. The more effective the teaching, the easier it will be to correct the behavior. If a parent focuses on teaching, discipline becomes less and less necessary because the child will be learning to self-correct. In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints’, “Handbook for Families”, it says, “Within the context of a loving relationship, we can teach correct principles without linking them to our child’s negative behavior. We can teach, for example, the importance of honesty before a child ever thinks of stealing. Then if the child ever does steal, instead of becoming upset, we can discuss with him the principle and what he needs to do to repent.” (Disciplining with Love, 1985)

     Think about a favorite teacher you had in school. Did you like them? Of course you did, that’s why they were your favorite! Because of your affinity for them as a person, you were open to their teaching. In the same way, teaching children will be more effective if they like you. We often don’t think in terms of our children liking us. We’re their parents, they love us! But consider, do you spend time with them, play with them, talk to and listen to them, and treat them with respect? A tough thing to think about is that sometimes we can love someone, but not really like them very much. Bottom line, develop your relationship with your children and your teaching will be more effective.

     Parents are the head of the family. If their relationship is strained, it will spill over to the children. Fighting parents may put the children in the middle or take out frustrations on them. The Arbinger article points out, “a woman happy with her husband is better for her children than a hundred books on child welfare.”, and for fathers, “the most important thing you will ever do for your children is to love their mother.” (Arbinger, p. 5) Thus, the next step going down on the pyramid is the relationship between husband and wife.

     Finally, at the base of the pyramid, the foundation of it all, is your own personal “way of being”. Are you honorable in your actions and intentions? Do you treat others with respect and kindness? As taught in the article, “Whatever my outward show of ‘acceptable’ parental conduct, my children can tell the quality of my heart. They can tell whether I am thinking of them in what I am doing, or whether I am thinking of myself and of my own convenience or reputation”. (Arbinger, p. 6)

     The article suggests that if we are experiencing difficulty at any point in the pyramid, to examine the level below and work on improving it. To follow this line of thinking, if you are having trouble with getting your child to correct their behavior, take a look at how well you are teaching them correct principles. If you feel you are teaching and teaching and it’s falling on deaf ears, think about what your relationship with your child is like. If you feel your relationship with your child is lacking, look at how you are interacting with your spouse. And if your relationship with your spouse is suffering, what does that reveal about your personal way of being? What improvements could you make to your own actions to improve the relationship.

     Ultimately, the message is that correction, or discipline, is not an isolated event or action. It goes deeper and depends on multidimensional factors. “As we are patient, and as we do all we can where we can, we can make a deep and genuine difference in the life of even the most unhappy child.” (Arbinger, p. 8)

References

Disciplining with Love. (1985). Retrieved from https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/1985/09/disciplining-with-love?lang=eng

The Parenting Pyramid. (1998). Retrieved from https://content.byui.edu/file/91e7c911-20c5-4b9f-b8fc-9e4b1b37b6fc/1/Parenting_Pyramid_article.pdf

Destructive Parenting Patterns

Does parenting “just come naturally”? Having children doesn’t include an instruction book, and most people don’t instinctively know how to be an effective parent. Often, our natural tendencies can lead us in the wrong direction. Especially when dealing with the misbehavior, attitude, or general frustration of children. In Dr. Haim Ginott’s book, “Between Parent and Child”, he lists seven common pitfalls that parents fall into. These are patterns parents repeat that are self-defeating. (Ginott, 2003)

1.            Threats- To children, threats are like a challenge, or invitation, to repeat the disparaged act. Children are learning about autonomy and a threat will only make them want to maintain their self-respect by challenging it.  Either way the child responds is a losing situation. If the child gives in to the threat, they have lost a bit of their autonomy and most likely will build resentments toward the parent. If the child challenges the threat and repeats the action, the parent now has to follow through with what was most likely an unnecessary punishment, and again builds resentment in the child.
2.           Bribes- Using bribes takes away the opportunity to teach children about the natural, intrinsic value of completing a job or behaving in appropriate ways. Bribes are only effective in the short term, because they will drive the child to want more and more. They also kill the joy a child may get from an activity, and they will be less likely to ever want to do it on their own. Dr. Ginott elaborates that rewards can be helpful but only when they are, “unannounced in advance, when they come as a surprise, and when they represent recognition and appreciation”. (p. 60)  
3.           Promises- The parent child relationship should be built on trust. When a parent relies on promises, they are communicating to the child that if they haven’t said, “I promise”, then they can’t be trusted. Promises also create unrealistic expectations. A parent might throw out a promise to placate a child, only to have circumstances come along that prevent the promise from being kept. Children don’t understand that sometimes things come up, they only will feel that they have been lied to with an unkept promise. By the same token, children shouldn’t be asked to make unrealistic promises about not repeating certain behaviors, or “never doing it again”. Children will make mistakes, often the same one many times. Asking them to promise not to is only setting them up for failure.
4.           Sarcasm- Sarcasm shuts down the lines of communication and invites argument. It causes the child to feel belittled and builds resentment.
5.           Verbal overkill- What comes to my mind is the phrase, “don’t beat a dead horse”. A lecture is not always called for. To go on an on talking about a situation will only cause the child to shut down and stop listening. 
   
6.           Sermon on lying and stealing- Sometimes parents unwittingly invite a child to lie. Never ask a child if they’ve done something that you already know for sure they did. This only puts them in a position to want to lie for self-preservation. Better to tell the child you know what they did and then discuss the matter. Parents should also allow their children to tell the truth. Dr. Ginott makes an important point about this. “If we want to teach honesty then we must be prepared to listen to bitter truths as well as pleasant truths. If children are to grow up honest, they must not be encouraged to lie about their feelings, be they positive, negative, or ambivalent. It is from our reactions to their expressed feelings that children learn whether or not honesty is the best policy.” (p. 68)    
   
7.           Rude teaching of politeness- Often parents are quick to notice rude behavior in their children and respond by admonishing them in a rude way. A parent’s authority is not diminished by treating children with respect.  My spouse would probably feel offended if I admonished or corrected him in front of others, and my child would be no different. Try to wait for a private moment to teach the behavior. Many parents are also inclined to demand “thank you’s” or “good-byes” before a child has even had the opportunity to say it on their own. I like Dr. Ginott’s analogy, “The niceties of the art of living cannot be conveyed with a sledgehammer.” (p. 73)

Children are people too, and deserve to be treated with respect. Parents can lead and guide with authority while still exercising compassion and empathy toward their children.

References

Ginott, H. G. (2003) Between Parent and Child. New York, NY; Three Rivers Press.           

Emotionally Nurturing Children

Emotion coaching is a technique taught by Dr. John Gottman as a way to emotionally connect with and nurture our children. There are five essential steps of Emotion Coaching

• Notice your child’s emotions
•  Recognize their display of emotion as a teaching and bonding opportunity
•  Listen to them express their feelings, respond with compassion, and validate the emotions
• Help your child label the emotion with words and understand where it is coming from
• Set appropriate limits to behaviors and help them to solve the problem or deal with the situation

By understanding and using emotion coaching, parents can help their children self-regulate their emotions. Children who feel emotionally validated will also be more securely attached and will therefore be more willing to explore and develop interests. They will be more self-confident and relate better to others. Emotion coaching can also help children develop intellectually. Dr. Gottman cites a study that found that when parents engage emotionally with their children, are respectful and compassionate, and give the child choices, the child’s vocabulary increases. He said, “in fact, most of the variation in intelligence is accounted for by the way parents interact with babies emotionally.” (Gottman, 2009)

So how does a parent put Emotion Coaching into practice? I think a first practical step is to be more aware of how you respond when your child shows an emotion. Think about how you might normally respond, or what your knee jerk reaction might be. Is it compassionate and validating? Here are some examples that I came up with of typical reactions to a child’s emotional outburst versus a validating response.

                            Instead of This                                                             Try This                       

I don't know why your crying so much about your friends not inviting you to the movie. They must not really be good friends and you should just forget about them.	I know it hurts to be left out. It's confusing not knowing why they didn't invite you. You go ahead and cry, and then we can talk about it some more if you want.
Get off the swing and come here right now! I've told you ten times that it's time to go home!	I know you're having fun playing in the park, but we need to leave now so we can go home and make dinner. We had a lot of fun today, how about on the way home we decide what your favorite thing was that you can tell dad about.
Stop crying and put your socks and shoes on, were going to be late because you're dawdling!	If you don't like the socks I picked out for you, why don't you run get a pair you like from the sock drawer.
You better stop talking to me like that, I said you can't go out this weekend and that's final!	You obviously had big plans for this weekend. I'm happy to explain to you why I said no, but you need to calm down and listen respectfully.
Stop running through the house and jumping up and down! You're being so noisy I can't hear myself think!	You're really excited about your friend coming over later aren't you? How about if you go outside and do 20 jumping jacks. Then you could come back in and make a list of all the things you want to do during your play date.

An article written by Ellie Lisitsa, a staff writer at the Gottman Institute, outlines some other ways to practice Emotion Coaching with your children.

•           Show respect and understanding when your child exhibits negative emotions. Talk with them and try to understand the source of the emotion.
•           Notice your child’s response to your method of working through the problem with them.
•           Validate their feelings and show your empathy for them, be patient.
•           Let go of any agendas you may have as a parent for proper behavior or compliance. Show your child that you respect their attempt to work through the problem, and help them to do so.

Some other points to remember:

•           Children often don’t know why they have the emotions they do, asking them “why are you crying?” isn’t going to be helpful. Instead, try observing their behavior and asking simple questions about what they might be feeling. (Lisitsa, 6/18/2012)
•           Children are new to the experience of feeling emotions and don’t know how to label them, this may cause them to think that what they are feeling in not normal. Giving them the tools to name and understand their emotions will help them feel more confidence. (Lisitsa, 6/21/2012)

The final step of Emotion Coaching is helping your child to solve their problem and setting limits on behavior. Dr. Gottman outlines five key steps to problem solving. (Lisitsa, 6/22/2012)

1.   Set limits- Behaviors may not be acceptable, but the feelings and emotions behind them are
2.   Identify goals- Help your child identify what they want
3.   Think of possible solutions- Remember to be age appropriate, a five-year-old can’t come up    with or process multiple or abstract ideas, but a fifteen-year-old may be able to brainstorm       ideas with you
4.    Evaluate proposed solutions based on your family’s values- Talk about how the proposed solutions fit into your family’s belief system
5.    Help your child choose a solution- Agree on a solution together and make a plan to implement it

Dr. Daniel Siegel has made a model of how our brains work with regard to emotions, using his hand as an illustration. I found this illustration to be helpful in understanding how we process emotions so that we can better deal with them. 

References

Lisitsa, E. (June 18, 2012). Emotion Coaching Step 3: Treating a Child’s Feelings with Empathetic Listening and Validation. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/emotion-coaching-step-3-treating-a-childs-feelings-with-empathetic-listening-and-validation/

Lisitsa, E. (June 21, 2012). Emotion Coaching Step 4: Helping Your Child to Find Words For Their Emotions. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/emotion-coaching-step-4-helping-your-child-to-find-words-for-their-emotions/

Lisitsa, E. (June 22, 2012). Emotion Coaching Step 5: Helping the Child Problem Solve and Setting Limits. Retrieved from      https://www.gottman.com/blog/emotion-coaching-step-5-helping-the-child-problem-solve-and-setting-limits/

Gottman, J. (2009). Emotional Health. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=6&v=bmsDTT3xgjo&feature=emb_logo